🚍 The 15-Mile Pilgrimage: A Suburban Transit Odyssey

They say the best journeys are measured in memories, not miles. That’s cute. This one is measured in transfers, PATH delays, and the occasional existential crisis.

Our epic begins in the charming enclave of South Orange Village, NJ, where dreams are made—and promptly rerouted through Newark Penn Station. Our destination? Sam’s Club in Secaucus. Not exactly the promised land, but those bulk paper towels aren’t going to buy themselves.

Step 1: Board NJ Transit Bus #1 at the Ivy Hill Loop, which loops in both spirit and schedule. Feel free to contemplate your life decisions as the bus snakes through the streets like a confused Roomba.

Step 2: Disembark at Newark Penn Station, a place that somehow smells like both hot pretzels and missed opportunities. You’ll exit on the Market Street side, because that’s where all heroic quests begin.

Step 3: Ascend into the PATH Train zone, where you’ll board the World Trade Center-bound train—not because it gets you closer to Secaucus, but because this system was designed by someone using crayon and chaos.

Step 4: Exit at Exchange Place, which is neither an exchange nor a place anyone wants to linger.

Step 5: Execute a delicate cross-platform ballet, dodging commuters and people filming TikToks, to board the PATH train to Hoboken.

Step 6: Emerge at Hoboken Station, tired but slightly wiser, and find the western exit. There, like a mirage, awaits the NJ Transit Bus Route 85.

Step 7: Board Bus 85, bound for the American Dream—an ironic name, given your current circumstances.

Step 8: 30 minutes later, exit in a majestic parking lot shared by Walmart and Sam’s Club. You may not have found inner peace, but you will find a 36-pack of paper towels.

Congratulations, pilgrim. You conquered 15 miles in just 2 hours and 15 minutes, with four vehicles, three transfers, and enough emotional mileage to write a memoir. Meanwhile, either origin town could get you to Manhattan in 45 breezy, transfer-free minutes. Because America loves cities, and suburban transit? Not so much.

So next time someone tells you “It’s only 15 miles,” ask them how many transfers that is. And when they blink at you in confusion, simply whisper: “Exchange Place.”

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